The Thing About Suffering

Photo by Mihály Köles on Unsplash

When those we work or live with are going through challenges, large or small, we’ll often have this desire to solve their problems for them. We want to do what we can to make things easier for them and ensure they remain happy and sailing along smoothly.

This is, of course, completely understandable - after all, if we care about our family, friends and colleagues, it’s hard to watch them suffer, so we want to do whatever we can to help them have more prosperous, more comfortable, less challenging times. It comes from a good place.

But in many (most?) situations, removing those obstacles isn’t actually the right thing to do. 

In doing so, we’re doing them a disservice. We’re taking away their chance to learn. The fact is that most issues we grapple with, can be managed and handled by us, on our own, if we’re so inclined. 

By having the answers handed to us, we’re essentially teaching them not to think, to depend on others to solve our issues and frankly, expect that problems just aren’t normal occurrences. This breeds entitlement and that’s never a good thing.

Instead, the better answer is for us to bite the bullet and hold back from doing. By all means, we can and should counsel them. We should give them advice on how we or others would navigate this. We should give them encouragement that they can, indeed, get through it. 

But then we need to leave them be. Yes, that means they will suffer, but they will endure. They will face difficulties that we don’t want them to experience and they will make it to the other side.

They will make it through. And then they’ll learn - that they can and will make it through difficulties, on their own. 

There’s a real value to this. It breeds confidence, and it breeds resilience. It pushes them forward to stand on their own and take on challenges they wouldn’t otherwise dream of taking on.

A little (or a lot of) suffering can provide the best education.