What Is Self-Esteem?
Photo by paul rossi on Unsplash
I’ve always held to the view that the root cause of poor behavior (towards others) is low self-esteem. That’s always made sense to me: if we don’t have enough self-confidence or belief in ourselves, how can we expect to accept others’ (differing) perspectives - and not react in some way?
Well, Adam Grant posited a somewhat different - perhaps a more nuanced - point of view, based on research published in journals such as Psychological Review.
He suggested that:
Bullies don't suffer from low self-esteem. Their self-esteem is typically high but unstable. Their egos are like balloons: inflated and fragile enough to pop at the slightest needle. Under threat, they lash out.
That’s a really interesting idea.
In that view, the idea of self-esteem doesn’t simply exist along some sort of spectrum from weak to strong i.e. it isn’t (just) a continuum. Rather there's also this idea of “fortification” of that self-esteem, a strength of foundation, if you will.
In other words, we can work to build our self-esteem and have our own perceptions as to whether it’s high or low, but that work also needs to ensure that it is stable and robust in its underpinnings.
Conceptually, it’s almost a three dimensional construct - as I said, far more nuanced than I originally thought of it as. But how do we get there?
As I think about it, I think this view demands the following:
We need to be clear about our underlying values and belief systems. We need to have given enough conscious thought as to what these are and why. We cannot have simply accepted them from some other source, be it community, work, our leaders, etc.
We need to be open to the idea that we are fallible creatures. That mistakes are par for the course, and that no mistake, no matter how material, is an indicator of who we are as a person. In this (human) approach, a jolt to our beliefs doesn’t undermine our very existence. It is simply accepting that there may be a different/alternative/better point of view out there.
We must embed the intrinsic in our thinking, behaviors and actions, versus the extrinsic. We should be driven by more substantive ideals that speak to who we are rather than symbolic or illustrative shows of status to demonstrate our worth. In other words, we don’t exist to display or demonstrate status, nor do we need it to demonstrate who we are.
Of course, the other takeaway in all of the above is that we must constantly put in the work to fortify who we are and what we believe in and what we have achieved (and are achieving). This is a continuous, ongoing process, not a one-off activity.
You don’t just “get self-esteem” and then you’re done. It’s a constant, one that doesn’t simply exist along a continuum but must also be robust in its very foundations.
