It's Not Fair
“It’s not fair.”
Each and every one of us can recount situations where things didn’t go our way, for reasons that, in our minds, were less than equitable.
Not getting that promotion when we had the experience and the achievements. Losing out on that business opportunity when we’d done what the client asked for. Not making that investment when we had the chance (Bitcoin, anyone?).
And, of course, fairness (or the lack of it) isn’t limited to our professional lives. It’s there in our personal lives as well, from family to friendships to health to romantic relationships. Issues of fairness are part of the fabric of how we live and breathe every day.
When ‘unfair’ things happen, it’s a problem. In our minds, it’s not right and it flies in the face of what, in our view, should be. It’s just not fair.
But it’s also life. We’re simply not going to get what we want (for ourselves or others) every time we want it. And when we let that get in the way of our ability to function, then we’re in trouble.
Because in those situations, what we’re really telling ourselves is that we’re not in control and that it’s someone else’s job to make things right for us.
Think about what that means for a second. It means that we perceive ourselves as powerless and reactive - that we’re letting ourselves be powerless and reactive. That’s not a good place to be mentally, certainly not for any extended period of time.
So what do we do? As with anything else in life, we need to do the work.
We need to stop obsessing. This is easier said than done, but it’s the most important step. We need to catch ourselves as we’re immersed in anger, hate, self-pity, etc. We need to reaffirm to ourselves that we have control, even if it might not be in the exact way we’d like. A sense of personal empowerment - the idea that we can change things (even if it means we need to bide our time to do so) - is critical.
We need to be data-driven, we need to assess the situation for what it is and then evaluate what it really means. Is it truly unfair? Is it a function of variables outside of our control? Or is there truly something we could have done better or different? The last one is probably the hardest to come to grips with. The point is to look at the cards on the table and be as objective as possible.
We need to decide what we will and won’t do. With the facts on the table and our assessment done, we have a decision to make. Do I accept it and move on? Do I make specific changes within the context I operate within now (for example, change how I operate within my current role or how I behave within my relationship)? Or do I change my situation altogether? Note the answer here may not be what we might want ideally.
We need to consciously monitor our thinking. Whatever we decide, we need to stay on top of our mindset, and not keep falling back on our old patterns, blaming ourselves or others, wallowing in self-pity, etc. We need to stay focused on the facts, on our decision and keep moving forward, in whichever way we’ve decided for ourselves.
To be clear, I’m not saying that it’s not OK to be angry or to be upset. It’s absolutely normal, because unfairness (even perceived) is real to us. It doesn’t make sense to think we’ll always be zen about it.
And, even after putting in the work I’ve suggested above, we still may not be able to do anything about the ‘injustice’ itself.
But we can control ourselves and our reactions. We can make a decision about what we want and what we can do. And we can then go do something about it.
I don’t suggest any of this is easy. It certainly isn’t. But for our own sanity and positive progress, we do need to keep working at it.
