Starting From Trust

Image by FelixMittermeier from Pixabay

When I was in Business School, I was asked to take part - along with another student - in an experiment run by a couple of PhD students. We were given a store of currency and had to decide - over multiple rounds - how much of that currency we would give to the other person. (We might even have been given some rules as to how to do it, but I don’t quite recall.) 

I remember that, initially, per the rules, we gave freely to each other, such that we were both happy we were getting equivalent value. But then, in a subsequent round (and unbeknownst to me), the other student was told to choose differently, so that she ended up with more value than me. I was surprised - and not happy. This affected my decisions in the next round, which was to not give as freely which then affected her next decision, and so on and so forth. Pretty soon, we sat in our own camps, guarded against sharing too much and desperate to preserve whatever we had. 

This was, of course, an experiment, a classic example of game theory. But it isn’t far removed from what happens in real life. The job interview. The commercial negotiation. Even interpersonal relationships in different realms. We remain guarded, cautious, not disclosing too much. Not revealing our hand for fear that it will be misinterpreted or, worse, used against us. This becomes our M.O. 

But the thing is, just like the experiment, we didn’t start out that way. At some point, we learned - conditioned ourselves to believe - that we had to become that way. That it was better to be that way. Because if we didn’t, we’d ‘lose’ and then we wouldn’t get what we wanted. We began to believe our success depended on us behaving this way.

But is that really the case? I’m not so sure.

What if we approached these situations differently? What if our foundational principles were ones of trust and openness? What if we focused on the long term? On being true to a set of positive core values.

In fact, I’d suggest that our best interactions, our best engagements start with this approach. That we start off wanting the best for each other and to win collectively. That we start off with the idea that this isn’t a zero sum game. The idea that I don’t need to lose for you to win. 

It can be hard to do, I understand, because there’s risk involved. There’s a real chance that we’ll get played and we’ll ‘lose’ right at the outset. Yes, that might happen. But I’d also suggest that when that happens, it actually teaches us something important. 

That those who behave like that aren’t really worth our time. That we were never going to win with them, simply against them. That those who’d behave this way are not people we should want to engage with in the first place.

Look, I recognize that some will view this approach as naive, a problematic point of view. I’d suggest that that is (or perhaps they are) actually part of the problem. 

My own sense is that if we start from a place of trust, the good experiences will outnumber the bad and, in fact, we’ll ultimately win (together) more than we lose.