This Is Where It Begins

Image by Free-Photos from Pixabay 

As it’s the start of a new year (and for some, a new decade, which it isn’t but let’s just go with it), there’s no shortage of articles, online or otherwise, about making a fresh start, doing the things you always wanted to do and becoming who you want to actually be. I’m 100% onboard with all of those goals and if that’s what your plan is for 2020, then more power to you.

That said, there is a foundational requirement on this path to self-actualization that I think gets missed, and that is, that in all the positive, rah-rah emphasis of doing what we want, we miss the basic stock-taking that needs to occur before we can effectively begin to do it. I was reminded of this in my weekly newsletter from Anthony Iannarino, where he wrote this:  

It’s more challenging to take a steely-eyed look at your life, accepting full accountability for whatever it is or isn’t, blaming no one, and making no excuses. Doing so is the path to transformation, becoming, and living a life of your choosing—and your design.

There are 3 key points he makes in that first sentence:

“Accepting full accountability for whatever it is or isn’t”. This is the starting point and it’s harder to accept than we tend to think. The accountability is with ourselves. If we are or are not what we want to be, is down to us. We need to own this fact. As I said, it’s very, very hard to accept at a very deep level, because we can justify many reasons - many of them well-reasoned and well-intentioned - for why we are where we are. But at the end of the day, we are where we are. We need to own it.

“Blaming no one”. This one’s a challenge. It’s easy to look around and say, well, if only she had listened to me, or if I hadn’t been pushed around by him, etc., I’d be where I should have been. But at the end of the day, we aren’t responsible for other people’s actions and they aren’t beholden to us for theirs. But we are responsible for how we react to them. And holding on to those grudges is blaming others and that holds us back.

“Making no excuses”. Pretty clear cut. Don’t excuse where you are. No justifications, no rationalizations. Yes, we might have been wronged. Yes, they should have listened and things might have been different. Yes, if we’d simply stuck it through, it would have been better. But it is what it is. We are where we are. 

There are some cliches in there, but they’re all true and they’re all accurate. The work of self-improvement begins with this emotional inventory of sorts that requires an unemotional assessment of our current situation.

Yes, much harder said than done - and, trust me, I speak from experience here. The temptation to excuse, to justify, to rationalize is ever present and we need to work against these forces constantly. 

Note that it doesn’t mean we are all to blame and that things don’t happen. But at the same time, we aren’t entirely blameless. My favorite every quote in this regard is from Tony Robbins, who said that, when assessing our present situation, it’s important to be realistic: don’t make it better than it is, but don’t make it worse than it is, either. (And sure, go ahead, and groan all you want about the Tony Robbins reference, but he does talk a lot of practical sense in situations like this.) 

So, that’s where - and how - it has to begin. And then we work to improve.